Well, *character*, it’s been nice meeting you.

Hello! Welcome to another edition of  “What Would The Lunatic In Me Do?” I’m your host, Walkiry.

Title of the rant may be a bit cryptic, but it sums up perfectly how I feel about “my” SWTOR characters once I hit 50, finish the questlines, and get to The End™.

Only it’s not supposed to be the end, right?

Let’s back up a bit. To the very start:

Play Star Wars™: The Old Republic™ and be the hero of your own Star Wars™ saga

(Emphasis mine).

Now, despite appearances, this is not going to be about not having enough choices (which, as I’ve admitted before, would be night impossible to do, too many of us playing). Or about the abject stupidity some of these choices force on the characters. No, it’s a lot more basic than that.

When I play this game, by the time I’m done, and often way before that, none of “my” characters feel mine.

It’s pretty simple really. We run the quests and do the things that Bioware has prepared for us in-game, but everything about the story and the characters (including the one I’m playing) is so thoroughly laid out for me to follow that there’s nothing left for me to [i]add[/i].

Nothing what-so-***********-ever.

It’s not just the story (singular), but even worse is the backstory.

Take, for example, the Bounty Hunter.

You arrive in Hutta to meet Braden for the Great Hunt. That’s the premise of the story, right? At this point, your character is a blank state and you can start-

Braden: “Hey there bestest buddy ever! Let’s go have a Bromantic shower together!”

Uh…

I back away slowly and a few clicks and some cutscenes later he’s dead, and call me a heartless bastard, but I can’t find myself too disturbed by it. I’ve just met this guy.

Mako: “You heartless bastard! (Told ya) Braden always talked about you, and I always wanted to meet you, and…”
Me: “I barely…”
Mako: “And he set you up for the Great Hunt because he knew you so well!”
Me: “I don’t actually…”
Mako: “And Braden this, Braden that, Braden Braden Braden on a pie, how can you not think about Braden all the time!!”
Me: “SHUT THE **** UP MAKO!”

Mako
-10

And hey, you like Mandalorians? Bounty Hunters and Mandalorians all go together so well!

Me: “Sure, my Bounty Hunter…”

Here you go, meet the Mandalorians for the first time and learn all about them!

Me: “But I already…”

And if you stick with us, you get a chance to join the Mandalorians too! After a bunch of planets and more than half your levels, aren’t we great? We’re letting your Bounty Hunter get involved with Mandalorians! Something your very own personal saga Bounty Hunter has never done!

Me: “But, I wanted…”

What was that? YOU wanted? Awww, isn’t that cute. You’re so lucky we know better!

There is simply NOTHING for me to add there. There’s the Bounty Hunter story, I can play through it, learn about how the Bounty Hunter came to be in the Great Hunt and have a few options to see how his story unfolds, and that’s about it. Everything, from the character’s background to his motivations, has already been boiled, chewed, and pre-digested for me by Bioware.

Feed meh! Because chewing is so much effort. The only thing that’s missing here is forcing a name on him so that everyone stops referring to him as “Hunter”.

Shit, I just gave them an idea, didn’t I?

It gets worse with the Jedi Knight:

The Knight’s ENTIRE BACKGROUND is a few quests worth of having a master (Master Orgus) who sends him on missions on his own before getting himself killed.

You think I’m joking, or exaggerating, right?

RIGHT?

Well, guess again!

Master Orgus  becomes a glowing apparition to guide the Knight because he’s just SO attached to him/her after a few days of non-training (and given half the chance, both the Knight and Orgus will say so, repeatedly).

I’m guessing it’s actually because the booty of my female Knight. Now you know why they don’t fix the big bum bug with the robes. If they do, no more Master Orgus, and the Galaxy dies a horrible death worthy of Khem Val.

*Nom*

Damn dirty old man.

Later on, you learn in a conversation with Kira that he taught the Knight everything he knows.

Well, it’s either that or

Me: “SHUT THE **** UP KIRA!”
Kira
-14

It’s so bloody twisted it actually makes a sick kind of sense. All this Knight does is screw up and send the companions to do missions on their own. You know, like Master, like Padawan.

But don’t worry, once you get in trouble (well, massive EPIC FAIL actually, but why split hairs?), the glowing apparition will come to the rescue.

Just shake that booty for the old man.

*Shakka* *Shakka*

If you feel dirty, go take a fucking shower, because it’s all for the sake of the gosh darn Galaxy.

One can only imagine what kind of retard the Knight was in the academy, if a week of non-teaching by a dirty old man TAUGHT HIM EVERYTHING HE KNOWS!

Can you imagine this failure’s childhood?

“Look ma! I drew this!”
“Ooooh, a starfish! How cute!”
“It’s a SPEEDER! WAAAAAH!”

Fail on Legs. I’m surprised he didn’t skewer himself with the lightsaber the first time he built it.

I’m also kind of glad the companions are the ones doing the crafting and the gathering. This idiot would probably blow up a planet while trying to make a single medkit.

And of course, there’s my favourite one; at a prompt from Kira (I’m starting to see a pattern here, what about letting us kill companions again?) we learn this from the Knight:

“I can’t imagine being anything other than this bland, forgettable Temple past Jedi.”

Well, I completely believe you, but I bloody well can! If you would bloody LET ME!

I think I’ll go for:

“SHUT THE **** UP KIRA!”
Kira
-14

Better than the Consular writer I suppose, I bet he’d stop at:

“I can’t imagine.”

Zzzz.

So, can you? Can you imagine a background for a Jedi that’s in any way better than a forgettable blur of Temple existence easily surpassed by a few holoconversations with a Jedi Master? Well too bad, because that’s what the Jedi Knight is, and don’t you forget it because you’ll be reminded, constantly. TAKE IT AND LIKE IT!

Now, eat your broccoli.

But what about the Inquisitor?

*Wall of text explains you were a slave and arrived at Korriban for the trials*

Well, isn’t it nice to get it all out of the way as soon as possible?

Hah! Gotcha, you thought I was just going to stop there, right? Well, not so fast; you see, there’s a MAJOR TWIST (OMG!).

You see, “Luke, I am your Father” is so overdone.

“Luke, I am your sister!” Been done.

“Luke, the FORCE is your father!” Has been done too (or rather, Anakin’s mom was done by the Force. Bow chikka wow wow, baby! I bet she had a hell of a hangover the next day, since “she can’t explain what happened”).

“Luke, YOU ARE AN ULTRAPOWERFUL SITH IN A LINEAGE OF ULTRAPOWERFUL SITHS AND I’M YOUR GRANDDADDY!”

Now we’re talking! Nothing like one-upping the classics!

I suppose next sequel will be

“Luke, I AM THE UNIVERSE WHO CREATED THE FORCE AND I’M YOUR FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER!”

I’d hate to think what the sequel after THAT one will have. I’ll have to involve Chuck Norris and Mr. T. And bacon.

So the Inquisitor was a slave all his life and the grandkid of an amazing Sith Lord Dude you just happened to open the temple to, all at the same *********** time, which is all orchestrated by your Master of course, and boy, you better like the amazing stuff they come up with!

Incidentally, 2 million boxes sold and the Inquisitor is one of the more popular classes. Just how big was Granddaddy Sith Ghost’s harem anyway? And how did he manage to get lekku-less Twi’lek grandkids?

You know what the problem is? The problem is that “Being Revan” was pretty cool, and that playing Shepard makes the character great. You get to see how the Dark/Light sides play out, or the Paragon/Renegade in ME’s case, but you’re playing Revan’s and Shepard’s stories.

But that’s never MY character. It’s YOUR character, Bioware; and the games were enjoyable, including the character, but that’s a single player game where I’m not invited to “create my own saga”.

You’ve hammered so much detail into the player’s characters and their stories and backstories that you have left sweet **** all for me to add to it. Even the Dark/Light side choices aren’t that meaningful, because all they do is, like in KOTOR, let me see how the Light and Dark side stories of your characters unfold, and on top of that one has to RELENTLESSLY chase Light/Dark choices to be at the Light/Dark level necessary to use the Light/Dark side restricted items at the appropriate character level. But that’s YOUR story, they do not define MY character. My character would be defined by a myriad of things you have already decided for me, and I’d have felt a lot more involved if you had at the very least stopped answering questions nobody asked in the first gosh darn place.

You could have spent some effort finding ways to get ME involved. Instead, you spent a lot of effort finding every possible way to hammer YOUR “story” into what was supposed to be MY character even when it was completely bloody irrelevant. Well, fine, but now that I’m done with your character you can have it back.

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~ by The Sarlacc on February 18, 2012.

3 Responses to “Well, *character*, it’s been nice meeting you.”

  1. More rage! This rant needs more rage! 😉

    The jedi knight is pretty amazing. I played one till level 30 and then switched to the trooper (vanguard).

    “Oh, we lost a top secret zomfgolololwtfbbq weapons technology. Retrieve it and save the planet.”

    Next planet.

    “Oh, we lost a top secret zomfgolololwtfbbq weapons technology. Retrieve it and save the planet.”

    etc.

    etc.

    The consular story is awesome too.

    “Cure a jedi master.”

    “Cure a jedi master.”

    “Cure a jedi master.”

    “Cure a jedi master.”

    etc.

    etc.

    Those jedi masters cleary deserve their title.

    • Heh, it probably does. It’s not very angering really, it’s more of a “meh” thing, when all this happens I just find myself not caring about the characters at all, which ends up just flattening my interest in playing them at all.

      • I experienced the same. But it already happend around level 40 with my trooper. I forced myself to play till level 50, just to finish what I started.

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