The Curtain Comes Down

Well folks, if anyone is still reading, it is time to make my final post on the SWTOR adventures of my Lunatic Inquisitor.

I actually thought this wouldn’t happen. I pretty much gave up when I arrived at Alderaan; having played mostly the class story and pushed ahead, I was hopelessly underlevelled, and to level I’d have to actually *play* the “hunt for 10 rats” quests we’re told do not exist, so it was not an enticing prospect. One thing led to another and the sub ran out.

Only, Bioware came up with the “get one month free, don’t leave plz!” thing, and I found out about it when I had about two days left on this “extra” time.

“Just when I thought I was out… they pull me back in. ”

  • Michael Corleone, getting ready to log into SWTOR.

So I held my breath, pinched my nose closed, opened a case of Jägermeister, and set at it from Alderaan to the end of Chapter I of the Inquisitor class quest.

I may or may not have had to spend time in detox and rehab.

I made lots of friends too, and the guys in the white coats gave me a very snugly fitting white jacket. And let me tell you, padded walls are a LOT of fun!

Regardless, what prompted me to write this – by following the FRAPSed footage of my Inquisitor’s adventures, of which I have only vague recollections, and I hope some of the horridness I seem to recall is only the product of drunken hallucinations – is the current hubhub about SWTOR going Free to Play, and the inevitable fallout about how story-driven MMOs will never work, etc.

So I had to put this in writing, as a warning to the future generations: An MMO based on *anything* will fail if said *anything* sucks balls. You can base a console game on motion detection and get the Wii, or base it on motion detection and get the Power Glove.

This is the Power Glove.

So, logged in and ready to play once again, I fire up Fraps, put the headphones on, open the mic so that I may record my own comments in the future, and go at it. My first quest involves blowing up some shit in a base in the middle of the snowfields.

Old me seemed very amused at the new Legacy Tree options… And judging by the subsequent comments about legacy credit costs, lack of “Disfunctional Lovers” relationship option, and something about Andronikos Revel I’d rather not put in print, old me had hit the Jägermeister pretty hard already.

I bitch my way through level 28-29 enemies with a level 25 Inquisitor and-


I pause. The screen is clear, there’s nothing weird going on to justify old me letting out a string of profanity capable of making a drunken sailor blush, but there it is, and then the list of quests  gets highlighted as old me opens the quest log…

Well, son of a bitch.

“Use Your Ship’s Holoterminal.”

It gets me. Every. Single. Time. It’s the most pointless fucking thing in existance, but there you are, you just got to the new planet after navigating the galaxy map, which is what the quest right before this told you to do, and then what? You head out to the planet, but forgot to click the goddamn holoterminal. Why the hell??

It’s not like I can do anything until I click it, and it’s not like I had any other bloody reason to travel to this godforsaken icecube, is it? It’s not like this is interactive and I have any options!

“Will you save the kingdom, hero?”
“But thou must!”
“But thou must!”
“But thou must!”

“I knew I could count on you!”


Then it dawns on me. That means Story Time™ is coming!

I hear old me pouring himself a… Sounds like a rather generous serving of Jägermeister. And chugging it down rather stiffly too.

Oh dear.

My Master greases me some, and sets me on my way to meet some Thul woman or another. Yay, excitement. In the meantime, Adronikos has something to say. And as it turns out, Andronikos had nothing to say. The quest was called “small talk”, I don’t think that shit actually qualifies as that.

“Hi, nice weather huh?”

Seriously, how hard is it to write small talk? Fuck’s sake.

Old me agrees.

I have to do this more often: I like this guy. We agree in a lot of things. And he sure knows how to drink.

The Thul woman greases me some more, introduces some Sith that… greases me even more (seriously, I can feel my cholesterol clogging my arteries already), and what do you know, there’s a Jedi waiting for me with the artifact. Ooh, I can’t wait to see how this turns out, the suspense is killing me.

On my way out the sith guy that looks like a throwaway character makes some small talk, flirts with me in a rather reasonable way, and makes himself more memorable than Andy here has managed in two planets questing together. And just to reinforce the point, baldy here makes some hty-hard bittercup comments that make me lose my faith in humanity.

Maybe I can send him to the ship and-

“I Will Devour You™!!”

(I Will Devour You™ is a registered trademark of Khem Val, all rights reserved. Do not use without express authorization of the trademark holder, unless you enjoy being marinated in mint sauce and eaten by a Dashade).

Okay, maybe I could go without compan-

My Brain: “You’re four levels underlevelled you moron.”

Old me gets on a speeder and pours himself another one.

Good for him.

Anyway, I pull through to the next quest and find out the unthinkable: The quest is going to be a romance one. No, really, seems like the plan is to reunite the Jedi dude that has my artifact with his former lover, and make him “fall” that way.

In the distance, I hear the loud whistle of a train locomotive as the clanking sounds of a rail becoming undone become louder and louder. Do I want to watch? Can I avoid looking away? Did I remember to unplug the iron?

The world will never know. Because it’s romance time, and my Sith is getting all smoochie-smooch with the two lovebirds I’m trying to reunite.

Jedi: Rihanna, you tricked me!

(No, ya think?)

Conversation, miraculously, continues. I”m given these options when the Jedi asks what I’m doing:

1) I’m a servant to love.
2) You have something I need.
3) I want you dead.

Hmmm, tough choice, what could I *possibly* choose?!

The horrible dialog continues, but I can hear the telltalle clicking sound of Old me doing something in the background. A moment later a familiar tune greets my ears.

I have been Rickrolled by myself! And old me is actually singing along as the “romantic” dialog continues.

Jedi: I don’t know what to say!
My Lunatic Inquisitor: You know what to say. [Shock].

Old me and I cackle like supervillains, and then Old me presses esc and redoes the whole thing. All the while Rickrolling me.

Mercifully, the two lovebirds bugger off and let me go on with the quest. My tribulations lead me to attack a base of some old family or another (don’t ask me, this whole thing makes so little sense your guess is as good as mine; Old me seems down for the count because all I’ve been hearing for a while are low mumbles even I can’t decipher), and arrive just in time to watch a Jedi make short work of that sith guy I met at the start of the quest.

Oh yeah, that guy. At one point my Lunatic Inquisitor had a shag with him, prompting Andronik-ass to make some quip about having shagged a barmaid or something while I was away (ye gods, this guy is like a caricature that has had the life sucked out of him). Now the writers dropped a bus on him.

And bugger me senseless if this Jedi Elite doesn’t hit like a proverbial truck.

“You’re level 27, he’s level 30.”

Anyway, after getting rid of him, I contact the Thul woman to tell her I’ve won. The dead sith is laying next to the holoterminal table. The Thul woman answers. Dialog ensues. Nobody says anything about the very conspicuous body on the floor right by me.

I haven’t had a moment this awkward since I took that shuttle ride with Khem Val.

But the important thing is that I’m done with this stupid place, and it’s time to go collect my artifact. I rush to the designated spot, kill things for the extra “kill 10 boars quest” we’re assured do not exist, and find myself at the wrong end of a lightsaber.

Why, you didn’t think that the lovebirds issue would be resolved via dialog instead of the designated end-of-quest lightsaber duel did you?

Yeah, I was soooooo surprised. Old me didn’t sound impressed either. I only managed to understand something about lightsabers and something that sounded anatomically impossible to accomplish, but there you have it.

I’m finally done here.

I have all the artifacts.


Before that, Andass hit me with one of his specials:

Andy: Need something?
My Lunatic Inquisitor: A massage would be nice…

I brace myself. Come on Andy, you’re a goddamn pirate. I left myself wide open there, go for it!

The Worst Companion In The World*: Go get a slave for that. >:-(

[Conversation Ends]

* Arguably. The jury’s still out, as there’s stiff competition for the title.

I sigh. Old me sighs. This moron really is a lost cause.

“Travel to Dromind Kaas”

I do that, exit the ship, re-enter the ship, and use the holoterminal. Instead of my Master, I am greeted by yet another Sith Lord.

I’ll give you tree tries to try and guess what he said.

“Your Master will betray you.”

I’d have never fucking guessed it. I take a detour to give some poor twat enough volts to light up Vegas for a month and grab yet another artifact (grandpa ghosty’s lightsaber – who took the chance to remind me that my Master will betray me) and go meet my Master, who I still kinda suspect she may betray me at some point. The whole thing is so fucking surreal that I wouldn’t be surprised if the Cheshire cat showed up to warn me that my Master is secretly the Queen of Hearts.

It’d be just as stupid, only it’d at least be amusing.

She asks that I leave Andy home (not even the NPCs like him) and take The Superfrog with me instead (you gotta be kidding me!).

I do so.

I meet my Master.

Dialog ensues (oh shit, she’s level 32, I’m 29).

The big reveal comes.

She’s old, she wants my body for her soul, and she’s going to betray me to get it.


Yeah, I act shocked.

As expected, a lightsaber duel ensues. Khem Val, wearing level 10 rags and a blunt butter knife, kisses the pavement rather soon, but in an amazing display of mastery of the drunken fist, old me kicks her ass and I emerge victorious.

Damn I’m good.

My Master: You… Have defeated me… Apprentice… But there is something… You didn’t… Account for…
My Lunatic Inquisitor: What hidden power could you possibly have?
My Master: The power… OF THE CUTSCENE!!

Yeah, in the subsequent cutscene, the very enemy I just moped the floor with stands up, does some amazing Force-fu, and promptly immobilizes me and places me at the Dark and Ominous ritual spot where the body exchange will happen.

I’d be lying if I said I am surprised. Old me is less than amused though. And I had no idea I could swear so well in German until now.

So, there you have it. All is lost. Or is it? No! Because one little village still resists the Roman invaders and…

I close the comic book and go back to the game. Yeah, the ritual is stopped by the brave intervention of Khem Val.

Then dialog ensues.


No way.

They didn’t…

Old me is PISSING his pants laughing while I stare at the screen in utter disbelief. Yoda as my witness, I couldn’t remember this part, and I could have never imagined it being this bad.

My old Master didn’t die.

Oh no.

No, no, she grabbed a body allright. She possessed Khem Val instead of me. While Khem Val is still in there.

Gollum/Gollum mono-dialog follows between the two idiots. I have my hands on my head while old me giggles as he chugs down what sounded like the last of a bottle of Jägermeister.

Helloooooo, the 80’s called, they want their cheesy plots back!

You know what? I give up. And given the dialog that follows, I believe our disgruntled writer did to right around here. Choice of lines from the stupidity that followed:

My Lunatic Inquisitor: This is what we call a classic reversal of fortunes.

Some Apprentice of my Master: Lord Zash told us of this great destiny that you have just fulfilled!
My Lunatic Inquisitor: Yay me.

What came next? Why, Lara Croft here heading off to search for artifacts and learning how to eat ghosts to become stronger. Where have I heard that before?

And so come to an end all the adventures I could tolerate of my Lunatic Inquisitor. If ever you come across some poor soul lamenting the fall from grace of the story-driven MMOG, point them to these pages. It was not the lack of appetite for a story that murdered the interest.

It was selling shitty fanfic as the story that did it.

Good luck everyone, may the Force be with you.


~ by The Sarlacc on July 20, 2012.

3 Responses to “The Curtain Comes Down”

  1. Figured you quit. Shame. Not that you quit, that was just smart.More that so much was wasted in time and resources to give us SWTOR the mediocre. It’ll make investors skittish about story based MMO’s in the same way Vanguard seems to have to to open world ones.

  2. You’re funny! I’ll go back and read more. I giggled throughout this entire reading. Might share with my guild. 😛

    I wonder if you went through the Sith Warrior with Quinn…..

    • Haha, thanks!

      Never finished the warrior actually. I did go and try the Imperial Agent once they went F2P, it was… different.

      But being different from the collection of trainwrecks I had come to expect from the other classes was actually quite good 😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: